The Edge

"The Edge:  there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over."

Hunter Thompson certainly had this one right.  I've struggled for the past few months, up to a deafening crescendo of boiling catecholamines over the past 30 days about the upcoming Ango and more urgently - Jukai, and whether I am really ready to take this step.

An ango (安居), or kessei, is a Japanese term for a period of intense training for students of Zen Buddhism.  The practice during ango consists of meditation (zazen), study, and work (samu).  The word ango literally translates as "dwelling in peace"; the summer ango is referred to as ge-ango and the winter period is u-ango.  The Zen Center in which I am a member will have an ango period of 45 days, and will allow the ango schedule to be modified to allow the deepest practice while working, etc.

The Lay Buddhist ordination (Japanese: Jukai (受戒),) refers to the public ordination ceremony wherein a lay student of Zen Buddhism receives certain Buddhist precepts, "a rite in which they publicly avow allegiance to 'The Three Refuges' of Buddhist practice: The Buddha, the dharma and the sangha."  In the United States, jukai is a formal rite of passage that marks entrance into the Buddhist community. At that time, a student is given a Dharma name, and makes a commitment to the precepts.

I don't have to do ango or Jukai.  That is one of the coolest things about the Zen Center Sangha I've chosen.  It's not like they come knocking on your door if you don't show up.  Do it; don't do it.  Come; don't come.  If you're not ready, you're not ready.  There is no pressure with this group, no missionaries willing to travel to exotic countries to perform basic dentistry and convert the heathens to Buddhism.  No one telling you that a burning torturous hell awaits us all.  No phone calls - no pressure at all.  Except, of course the pressure you put on yourself if you are taking this stuff seriously.  You dig in the Karma well, you drink, whether it's sweet nectar or rancid sewage.  And honestly, thats what continues to draw me in.

My wife has often described me as a stubborn, impatient, self-absorbed freak with an unhealthy interest in being a maximalist in a minimalist world.  Essentially, she sees me as anything but a Buddhist, and yet she continues to look on to my little journey with an intense fascination that can only be compared to the way that our dog looks at me when I'm playing the Ukelele.  The sad truth is that my wife pretty much has my life thus far tagged.  But this isn't who I want to be.  And thats where this whole Zen thing comes into play.

And thats where this whole Jukai thing has me.......

In a nutshell, Zen Buddhism is about an ethical way of living your life and dealing with others.  There are sixteen precepts that outline these moral rules (so to speak), but, like most other "religions," they all boil down to one tenet:  "DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE."  Jukai is the official ceremony where one accepts the precepts to model their actions in life.

And herein lies the problem.  Without a doubt, I am an asshole.  Call me "recovering," but the fact remains.  I am what I am.

My Teacher (who will remain nameless to protect the innocent) is a wonderful role model for me, and I am deeply grateful that she has taken me on as her student, but I'm afraid that she doesn't know what she has gotten herself into.  Even my Teacher has told me that taking the precepts doesn't mean that you are perfect, but rather it is a commitment to the way you want to be.  I get that point, and yet I continue to ask myself, "How can I be a good Buddhist when I want to physically hurt the guy who nearly ran me off the freeway this morning then honked and flipped me off like it was my fault?"  Of course, the answer is self-evident.  I'm human.  And things get better with time and the commitment to see them through.  Participating in Jukai isnt the end product, but the beginning - a first step so to speak.  And like other worthy Programs that use Steps, I must start with step one.

"Hi, I'm Tim and I'm an Asshole......."

Res Ipsa Loquitur