Another subtle yet prolific statement made by my Zen Teacher this past week after her dog accidentally chomped into her hand and bought her a trip to the ER.
I, of course, would have handled this much differently, but this is the reason that I need a Teacher in the first place.
This comment really hit home with me because this week has been particularly hard, for a variety of reasons - some intrinsic, but most extrinsic.
For example, I should be happy that I shattered my windshield with my Paddleboard because now I know that the old windshield was fragile and could have harmed my loved ones had there been an accident. AND, my Paddleboard was not damaged in any way to boot.
But Zen isn't about superficially coming to these realizations. It's not all about me. It's more about how I fit into this whole thing that we call a "universe." If my terribly bad week had not occurred, maybe someone else's wonderful week would not have occurred.
I'm OK with this dichotomy. My wonderful week will come. Plus, I know that I have about a kabillion tons on negative Karma to burn, so this week was about as good as any.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
I'm not good at remembering birthdays, either.....
This past Sunday marked the start of Ango (pronounced Ahn-JO). I wish I could say that I brought in the intensive practice period in grand style, but this would be stretching the truth a bit A rather LARGE bit actually.
At best, I engaged in mindful work that afternoon, preparing for a leadership retreat with my senior staff the next day.
I did enjoy Zazen for the first couple of evenings. Maybe it was the novelty. They were amazingly fast 30 minute sits; a real change from recent sittings that have seemed to last forever. Not that I reached Kensho or anything. The fact of the matter is that despite the fact that I immensely enjoyed my zazen, I sat facing the wall and counted to ten a bunch of times, then my timer went "bing!" But something more is going on now, isn't it?
The reality is that I forgot to go to the opening ceremony at the Zen Center. It's not a huge deal, but I should have gone.
This first week of Ango, I have been reflecting on 3 simple sentences that were written on the grease board the first time I took a class at the Center:
* Appreciate Everything
* Notice Everything
* Believe Nothing
If there ever was a welcome banner for me, this was is without a doubt. It reached out and grabbed me like one of those evil ghost hands on Scooby-Doo.
I'm FAIRLY good at noticing everything, and an absolute master at believing nothing. Actually, I'm only good at noticing what I want to notice, and I really suck at appreciating everything. So I took at 24 hour period this past week and focused on appreciating things:
1. It was a beautiful day and I was healthy enough to enjoy it.
2. McDonalds got my breakfast order right.
3. I spent the day with my colleagues, and there was no drama.
4. I was able to Paddleboard this day.
5. I did not have to go into the office.
6. I introduced Kayaking to 5 people who had never done it.
7. I didn't get a ticket when the Lake Police checked us out for PFD's.
8. I have a wonderful family who I love dearly.
My next mission was to actually tell people how much I appreciate them, and that almost immediately went out the window the minute I walked into the office. Yet, I should be completely ashamed, because I work with some brilliant people who work very hard to make me look good, and I don't do a good job at telling them how much I appreciate them. I think this one may become a more long-term project.....
Classes started up again this week, and I think I'm finally getting into some "meat and potatoes". This class is being led by the Abiding Teacher, who I am growing more and more fond of. Maybe fond isn't the right word - respectful of is probably better. What I like most about her is that she is human - what you see is what you get, and yet her actions reflect her beliefs in this whole Zen thing. This class is on the Abhidhamma, kind of a DSM-IV of the Western Psych world. The Manual is dry, but I think I'm going to actualy like this class the best of all that I have attended thus far.
At best, I engaged in mindful work that afternoon, preparing for a leadership retreat with my senior staff the next day.
I did enjoy Zazen for the first couple of evenings. Maybe it was the novelty. They were amazingly fast 30 minute sits; a real change from recent sittings that have seemed to last forever. Not that I reached Kensho or anything. The fact of the matter is that despite the fact that I immensely enjoyed my zazen, I sat facing the wall and counted to ten a bunch of times, then my timer went "bing!" But something more is going on now, isn't it?
The reality is that I forgot to go to the opening ceremony at the Zen Center. It's not a huge deal, but I should have gone.
This first week of Ango, I have been reflecting on 3 simple sentences that were written on the grease board the first time I took a class at the Center:
* Appreciate Everything
* Notice Everything
* Believe Nothing
If there ever was a welcome banner for me, this was is without a doubt. It reached out and grabbed me like one of those evil ghost hands on Scooby-Doo.
I'm FAIRLY good at noticing everything, and an absolute master at believing nothing. Actually, I'm only good at noticing what I want to notice, and I really suck at appreciating everything. So I took at 24 hour period this past week and focused on appreciating things:
1. It was a beautiful day and I was healthy enough to enjoy it.
2. McDonalds got my breakfast order right.
3. I spent the day with my colleagues, and there was no drama.
4. I was able to Paddleboard this day.
5. I did not have to go into the office.
6. I introduced Kayaking to 5 people who had never done it.
7. I didn't get a ticket when the Lake Police checked us out for PFD's.
8. I have a wonderful family who I love dearly.
My next mission was to actually tell people how much I appreciate them, and that almost immediately went out the window the minute I walked into the office. Yet, I should be completely ashamed, because I work with some brilliant people who work very hard to make me look good, and I don't do a good job at telling them how much I appreciate them. I think this one may become a more long-term project.....
Classes started up again this week, and I think I'm finally getting into some "meat and potatoes". This class is being led by the Abiding Teacher, who I am growing more and more fond of. Maybe fond isn't the right word - respectful of is probably better. What I like most about her is that she is human - what you see is what you get, and yet her actions reflect her beliefs in this whole Zen thing. This class is on the Abhidhamma, kind of a DSM-IV of the Western Psych world. The Manual is dry, but I think I'm going to actualy like this class the best of all that I have attended thus far.
Monday, May 9, 2011
The Edge
"The Edge: there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over."
Hunter Thompson certainly had this one right. I've struggled for the past few months, up to a deafening crescendo of boiling catecholamines over the past 30 days about the upcoming Ango and more urgently - Jukai, and whether I am really ready to take this step.
An ango (安居), or kessei, is a Japanese term for a period of intense training for students of Zen Buddhism. The practice during ango consists of meditation (zazen), study, and work (samu). The word ango literally translates as "dwelling in peace"; the summer ango is referred to as ge-ango and the winter period is u-ango. The Zen Center in which I am a member will have an ango period of 45 days, and will allow the ango schedule to be modified to allow the deepest practice while working, etc.
The Lay Buddhist ordination (Japanese: Jukai (受戒),) refers to the public ordination ceremony wherein a lay student of Zen Buddhism receives certain Buddhist precepts, "a rite in which they publicly avow allegiance to 'The Three Refuges' of Buddhist practice: The Buddha, the dharma and the sangha." In the United States, jukai is a formal rite of passage that marks entrance into the Buddhist community. At that time, a student is given a Dharma name, and makes a commitment to the precepts.
I don't have to do ango or Jukai. That is one of the coolest things about the Zen Center Sangha I've chosen. It's not like they come knocking on your door if you don't show up. Do it; don't do it. Come; don't come. If you're not ready, you're not ready. There is no pressure with this group, no missionaries willing to travel to exotic countries to perform basic dentistry and convert the heathens to Buddhism. No one telling you that a burning torturous hell awaits us all. No phone calls - no pressure at all. Except, of course the pressure you put on yourself if you are taking this stuff seriously. You dig in the Karma well, you drink, whether it's sweet nectar or rancid sewage. And honestly, thats what continues to draw me in.
My wife has often described me as a stubborn, impatient, self-absorbed freak with an unhealthy interest in being a maximalist in a minimalist world. Essentially, she sees me as anything but a Buddhist, and yet she continues to look on to my little journey with an intense fascination that can only be compared to the way that our dog looks at me when I'm playing the Ukelele. The sad truth is that my wife pretty much has my life thus far tagged. But this isn't who I want to be. And thats where this whole Zen thing comes into play.
And thats where this whole Jukai thing has me.......
In a nutshell, Zen Buddhism is about an ethical way of living your life and dealing with others. There are sixteen precepts that outline these moral rules (so to speak), but, like most other "religions," they all boil down to one tenet: "DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE." Jukai is the official ceremony where one accepts the precepts to model their actions in life.
And herein lies the problem. Without a doubt, I am an asshole. Call me "recovering," but the fact remains. I am what I am.
My Teacher (who will remain nameless to protect the innocent) is a wonderful role model for me, and I am deeply grateful that she has taken me on as her student, but I'm afraid that she doesn't know what she has gotten herself into. Even my Teacher has told me that taking the precepts doesn't mean that you are perfect, but rather it is a commitment to the way you want to be. I get that point, and yet I continue to ask myself, "How can I be a good Buddhist when I want to physically hurt the guy who nearly ran me off the freeway this morning then honked and flipped me off like it was my fault?" Of course, the answer is self-evident. I'm human. And things get better with time and the commitment to see them through. Participating in Jukai isnt the end product, but the beginning - a first step so to speak. And like other worthy Programs that use Steps, I must start with step one.
"Hi, I'm Tim and I'm an Asshole......."
Res Ipsa Loquitur
Hunter Thompson certainly had this one right. I've struggled for the past few months, up to a deafening crescendo of boiling catecholamines over the past 30 days about the upcoming Ango and more urgently - Jukai, and whether I am really ready to take this step.
An ango (安居), or kessei, is a Japanese term for a period of intense training for students of Zen Buddhism. The practice during ango consists of meditation (zazen), study, and work (samu). The word ango literally translates as "dwelling in peace"; the summer ango is referred to as ge-ango and the winter period is u-ango. The Zen Center in which I am a member will have an ango period of 45 days, and will allow the ango schedule to be modified to allow the deepest practice while working, etc.
The Lay Buddhist ordination (Japanese: Jukai (受戒),) refers to the public ordination ceremony wherein a lay student of Zen Buddhism receives certain Buddhist precepts, "a rite in which they publicly avow allegiance to 'The Three Refuges' of Buddhist practice: The Buddha, the dharma and the sangha." In the United States, jukai is a formal rite of passage that marks entrance into the Buddhist community. At that time, a student is given a Dharma name, and makes a commitment to the precepts.
I don't have to do ango or Jukai. That is one of the coolest things about the Zen Center Sangha I've chosen. It's not like they come knocking on your door if you don't show up. Do it; don't do it. Come; don't come. If you're not ready, you're not ready. There is no pressure with this group, no missionaries willing to travel to exotic countries to perform basic dentistry and convert the heathens to Buddhism. No one telling you that a burning torturous hell awaits us all. No phone calls - no pressure at all. Except, of course the pressure you put on yourself if you are taking this stuff seriously. You dig in the Karma well, you drink, whether it's sweet nectar or rancid sewage. And honestly, thats what continues to draw me in.
My wife has often described me as a stubborn, impatient, self-absorbed freak with an unhealthy interest in being a maximalist in a minimalist world. Essentially, she sees me as anything but a Buddhist, and yet she continues to look on to my little journey with an intense fascination that can only be compared to the way that our dog looks at me when I'm playing the Ukelele. The sad truth is that my wife pretty much has my life thus far tagged. But this isn't who I want to be. And thats where this whole Zen thing comes into play.
And thats where this whole Jukai thing has me.......
In a nutshell, Zen Buddhism is about an ethical way of living your life and dealing with others. There are sixteen precepts that outline these moral rules (so to speak), but, like most other "religions," they all boil down to one tenet: "DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE." Jukai is the official ceremony where one accepts the precepts to model their actions in life.
And herein lies the problem. Without a doubt, I am an asshole. Call me "recovering," but the fact remains. I am what I am.
My Teacher (who will remain nameless to protect the innocent) is a wonderful role model for me, and I am deeply grateful that she has taken me on as her student, but I'm afraid that she doesn't know what she has gotten herself into. Even my Teacher has told me that taking the precepts doesn't mean that you are perfect, but rather it is a commitment to the way you want to be. I get that point, and yet I continue to ask myself, "How can I be a good Buddhist when I want to physically hurt the guy who nearly ran me off the freeway this morning then honked and flipped me off like it was my fault?" Of course, the answer is self-evident. I'm human. And things get better with time and the commitment to see them through. Participating in Jukai isnt the end product, but the beginning - a first step so to speak. And like other worthy Programs that use Steps, I must start with step one.
"Hi, I'm Tim and I'm an Asshole......."
Res Ipsa Loquitur
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